Recently, I published an essay titled The Certainty of Wealth Redistribution Amid Tariff Chaos, in which I argued that the true function of the current administration’s tariff policies was not economic revival, but the deliberate and predictable transfer of wealth from working households to the uppermost tier of financial elites.
Events of the past several days—culminating in imposition of a market-crashing tariff decree swiftly reversed for maximum opportunistic gain—have confirmed my worst fears. That some now praise this spectacle as “brilliant” only adds insult to economic injury.
In response, I offer the following satirical memo from a fictional Wharton Annex ethics professor—one Professor Basil P. Whisker, Chair of Ethical Opportunism at the Weasel School of Business. His observations regarding the situation and the logic he embodies—even though he is fictional—are uncomfortably real.
Professor Basil P. Whisker
On Ethics, Market Manipulation, and the Power of Praise
Buy the Dip, Praise the Dipper: A Wealth Transfer Playbook
By Professor Basil P. Whisker, PhD, MBA, CFA (Parole Honoré Distinction) Chair of Ethical Opportunism, Weasel School of Business, Wharton Annex Formerly of the Federal Correctional Institute for White Collar Refinement “Our Honor Code is Flexible. Our Returns Are Not.”
Some in Congress have raised the unfashionable concern that the recent tariff saga looks suspiciously like market manipulation.
To which I reply: Of course it is. But for whom?
Not the little people—they lack both the reflexes and the capital reserves. No, it is for the elite few trained in the disciplines of anticipation, flexibility, and pliable morality.
At the Weasel School of Business, we teach that ethics must be nonlinear and dynamic—responsive to the moment, like high-frequency trading algorithms or a presidential memory when questioned under oath. The recent 90-day tariff “pause” (following a dramatic market collapse) teaches students everywhere that sometimes the most profitable thing to do is to:
Create a crisis
Seize the resulting dip
Declare victory through reversal
Congratulate the disruptor for his “brilliance”
Move on before the subpoenas arrive
The Art of the Non-Deal
When a policy announcement wipes trillions from the markets, only to be reversed days later with a triumphant “THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!!!” post, we must acknowledge we are witnessing not governance but performance art.
Like all great art, it asks difficult questions:
Is it market manipulation if you announce the manipulation in real time?
Can one declare “Liberation Day” and then liberate oneself from that declaration?
If financial whiplash creates billionaire gratitude, is it still whiplash—or merely strategic spine realignment?
Billionaires praising such tactics is not sycophancy—it is advanced portfolio management by other means.
As we say in Weasel Finance 101: “Praise is just another form of leverage.”
Looking Ahead: A Curriculum of Chaos
We are entering a new phase of global commerce—what I call the Era of the Glorious Lurch. In this new age, tariffs are not policies but market mood regulators, deployed tactically to evoke loss, recovery, and eventual Stockholm syndrome-like gratitude.
My revised syllabus for the coming semester will include:
Advanced Self-Dealing (OPS-526)
Narrative Arbitrage: Writing History Before It Happens (OPS-618)
Strategic Sycophancy and Influence Leasing (co-listed with Communications)
Tariff Whiplash: Creating Wealth Through Vertigo (OPS-750)
When Textbooks Fail: The Art of the No-Deal Deal (Senior Seminar)
Applications are open. Scholarships available for those with prior SEC entanglements or experience declaring “everything’s beautiful” while markets burn.
A Word on Timing
Critics who suggest that one should wait until an actual deal is struck before declaring brilliance simply do not understand modern finance.
In today’s economy, praise is a futures contract—you are betting on the perception of success, not success itself.
When a policy costs the average American household thousands in higher prices and market losses, only to be partially reversed with no actual concessions gained, the correct reaction is not analysis but applause. After all, it takes real courage to back down without admitting it.
A Final Toast
To the president, I raise a glass of vintage tax shelter with notes of plausible deniability.
To the billionaires celebrating the “brilliant execution” of a retreat, I offer a velvet-lined echo chamber.
And to my students, past and future, I remind you: If you cannot time the market, at least time your praise.
Because in today’s economy, there is no such thing as too soon, too blatant, or too obviously beneficial to the 0.01%.
So next time markets plunge on policy chaos, do not ask “who benefits?” Instead ask, “am I positioned to be among those who do?”
Thank you. And as always— buy low, tweet high, and declare victory before the facts catch up.
By Gentoo T. Adelie, Chief Diplomatic Penguin of Heard Island
Macaroni Penguin of Heard Island responding in disbelief to the news of the Trumpian Tariffs of 2025.An Audio Recitation of “An Ice Cold Response” by Gentoo T. Adelie
It was a clear morning on Heard Island. A gentle drift of cloud played among the slopes of Big Ben, and the Southern Ocean moved against the gravel shores with its slow, eternal breath. Among patches of moss and lichen, our colonies bustled with seasonal purpose—territories reestablished, mates greeted, feathers fluffed against the autumn wind. The eastern rockhoppers had returned to their grassland burrows, the macaronis muttered among the coastal tussock, and the gentoos stood sentinel. Then word arrived—borne by a wandering albatross returning from northern skies.
The Trump administration had imposed tariffs upon us.
Tariffs. Upon penguins.
I summoned the colonies. The emperors listened in regal silence, their gold-ringed heads unmoved. The kings shuffled to attention along the icy moraine. The skuas perched nearby, and even the black-faced sheathbill—normally distracted by refuse—cocked a pale head toward the speaker’s mound.
Our indignation was tempered by confusion.
We are not exporters. We are not manufacturers. Ours is not a civilization of spreadsheets, but of rhythm and return. We recognize no currency but krill, no metric but the molt. We nest in the gullies and commune with the icy winds that polish our shores.
It is true that humans have declared sovereignty over us. Flags have been planted, letters exchanged, and acts of parliament signed in Canberra. Heard and McDonald Islands, they assert, are administered by the Australian Antarctic Division, whose bureaucrats maintain that our affairs fall under the jurisdiction of the Supreme Court of the Australian Capital Territory—though no court has ever convened upon our shores.
But let it be understood: though we permit their presence, we do not cede authority.
The king penguin does not bow to Hobart. The Heard Island shag files no petitions. And the sheathbill, should it ever stand before the High Court, will surely eat the brief.
So it was with bewilderment that we received news of the 10% tariff levied by the United States upon our territory. An island with no people, no ports, and no exports—accused of an imbalance in trade. A claim founded on mislabeled shipping data: specifically, six containers of semiconductor components manufactured in Taiwan but erroneously coded as “HRD”—Heard Island’s port code, rarely used but technically valid—instead of “HKG” for Hong Kong by an exhausted logistics clerk working the graveyard shift in Singapore.
Naturally, the memes began to circulate—relayed to us by kelp gulls who’ve developed a taste for human refuse and, consequently, smartphones washed ashore from passing vessels. These gulls, perched near research stations to pilfer Wi-Fi signals (and the occasional protein bar), have become our unwitting ambassadors to digital culture. Among their findings: images of penguins queuing at customs, passports in wing. Shags rebuffed at security checkpoints. A sheathbill with a placard reading “TAXATION WITHOUT MIGRATION.”
The images are amusing. Yet beneath the laughter lies a chill deeper than our glaciers.
The absurdity is not that tariffs have been imposed, but that the structures of power are so far removed from reality as to invent us as participants in their theatre. Our colony is not a market. Our rookery is not a trading floor. If humans mistake our ecological presence for economic threat, then it is their world, not ours, that is disordered.
Even the ecosystem watched with bemusement. The mosses clung silently to volcanic stone. The seals slumped across the glacial flats, unmoved. Life persisted as it always has.
We shall not respond in kind. We shall not embargo the sea. We have no ports to close, no envoys to recall. We shall simply continue—diving into the surf, tending our chicks, enduring the westerlies that lash our coast.
The mosses remember. The sheathbill remembers. The ice remembers, too.
Confidential Diplomatic Cable
From: Office of the Subantarctic Avian Council (Provisional), Heard Island and McDonald Islands Domain: commonwealth.penguin.gov.hm To: Bureau of Global Trade Anomalies, U.S. Department of Commerce Date: April 8, 2025 Priority: Routine (given prevailing currents)
RE: ERRONEOUS APPLICATION OF TRADE TARIFFS TO UNRECOGNIZED BIOLOGICAL POLITY
To Whom It May Confound,
We write with a combination of courteous gravity and ice-bound disbelief upon learning that the Territory of Heard Island and McDonald Islands—comprising an uninhabited archipelago, 80% of which is glacier, and 100% of which is devoid of Walmart, Walgreens, or Whole Foods—has been subjected to a 10% tariff by your esteemed administration.
We presume this action arises from the alleged export of “machinery and electrical goods” originating from our domain. As no such items have been observed here since the disintegration of a scientific balloon payload in 1989, and as neither the king penguins nor the black-faced sheathbills have mastered voltage regulation, we suggest an administrative review.
Indeed, it now appears the source of this confusion lies in a series of clerical misassignments within international shipping records. Several bills of lading reportedly list the shipper’s address as “Vienna, Heard Island and McDonald Islands”—a charming bit of geopolitical fiction that, while expanding our sense of empire, sadly bears no relation to geographic or penguin reality.{1}
For clarity:
Our economy is non-monetized and chiefly fish-based.
Our primary industries include standing, molting, and collective thermoregulation.
Our manufacturing sector is limited to guano, occasionally artistic in form but unfit for commercial use.
The .hm domain, while charming, is not associated with logistical throughput. It is managed by a sooty albatross with a rusted antenna.
No residents, citizens, or consumers exist here in the human sense.
We therefore formally request the rescission of said tariff and the reclassification of Heard Island and McDonald Islands from “Emerging Trade Threat” to “Uninhabited Geopolitical Curiosity.” Alternatively, we are willing to accept foreign aid in the form of high-calorie fish paste, new tagging rings, or a fully functioning weather station.
For future reference, all customs declarations should be addressed to: Gentoo T. Adelie, Chief Diplomatic Penguin C/O The Hollow Behind the Third Basalt Outcrop Atlas Cove, Heard Island UTM Coordinates Available Upon Request (or clear skies)
We await your reply, though not urgently.
Warmest regards from the coldest coast, Subantarctic Avian Council (Provisional)
P.S. Seal No. 1: Be it known we do not seal mail with actual seals. The three elephant seals consulted regarding this matter expressed their disinterest through prolonged snoring, while the fur seals drafted a dissenting opinion consisting entirely of territorial barks. Their contribution to international diplomacy remains, much like this tariff situation, largely symbolic.
There was hesitation before I posted the essay below. Not for its merit, but for its timing. I wonder, truly, whether we have already passed the point of rupture—whether the buffoonery we witness in scandals such as Whiskeyleaks (the use of the Signal app by U.S. cabinet officials and others to discuss classified war plans) is not merely incompetence, but a smokescreen for something more deliberate, more calculated, and far more lethal. If the jesters, clowns, and buffoons distract, it may be only so that the knife may fall unnoticed. This essay, then, may read not as prophecy but as postmortem—or as warning flung desperately against a wind already turning. And yet, even still, I believe it must be said.
Note to the Reader
This essay is written not as a partisan screed, nor as a nostalgic lament for some imagined golden age, but as a meditation—part moral reckoning, part civic warning—on the condition of a republic that has allowed itself to descend into spectacle, incoherence, and institutional decay.
It is addressed to those who still believe that government, for all its failings, remains a public trust; that civic virtue is not an antiquated ideal; and that the health of a nation may be measured not merely in wealth or might, but in memory, restraint, and the character of its leaders and laws.
The tone is deliberately severe, for the times are unserious. The satire is not meant to entertain, but to unmask. Where irony sharpens, it does so to reveal truths that cannot be said plainly without losing their edge. And where the anger beneath the prose surfaces, it does so not in despair, but in the hope that the reader, too, is angry—and unwilling to become numb.
This is not a call to revolution, but a call to remembrance, to vigilance, and above all to responsibility. If the republic is to be rebuilt, it will not be by those who broke it, nor by those who profited from its breaking, but by those who, though weary, still believe it is worth the rising.
The Farce of Ruin: On the Buffoonery, Cowardice, and Consent that Endanger the Republic
It becomes difficult indeed to weigh if the republic is more greatly endangered by ignoble, incompetent lackeys such as now populate the greatest offices of state, appointed by the bitter, vengeful, demented, and oft confused and wholly arbitrary despotic personality that resides in the executive mansion, courtesy of the cult of resentment, hate, and fear, than it would have been had he appointed more able men and women to execute his whims and vices. For in one case, we face the farce of ruin—the slow, stumbling, ignoble unraveling of a once-proud polity into absurdity and impotence. In the other, we would face tyranny executed with precision, method, and perhaps permanence. Yet if there is any comfort to be found in chaos, it is this: incompetence leaves wreckage; competence might have left chains. But wreckage, at least, invites the labor of rebuilding—if the will, the memory, and the courage yet remain.
This is the bitter paradox of the present hour: that we may find ourselves grateful not for wisdom, but for the want of it; not for virtue, but for its absence. That the republic’s temporary reprieve lies not in the strength of her institutions nor the vigilance of her people, but in the vacuity and vanity of her despoilers. These are not statesmen in the Roman sense, nor even villains in the Shakespearean; they are caricatures—jesters costumed in stolen robes of office, bumbling through decrees, barking orders not out of conviction but impulse, devoid alike of strategy and shame. And yet, we dare not laugh too loudly. For every laugh chokes on the question: how long can a republic endure when the machinery of its survival is entrusted to hands unfit to hold it?
The Rise of the Cult: Resentment as Political Theology
Power, once grounded in consent and law, now derives its strength from a darker source: resentment. Not merely disappointment or disillusionment, but that deeper, more corrosive sentiment born of perceived humiliation, of grievance nurtured until it metastasizes into dogma. No longer content to reform what they claim to hate, the votaries of this new creed seek instead to destroy—to salt the fields, poison the wells, and tear down every institution that once restrained ambition with honor, and pride with duty.
This is not politics in any meaningful sense. It is theology by other means—a bitter creed that worships neither God nor country but the self, wounded and wrathful. Its high priests preach vengeance cloaked in patriotism, its sacraments are insult and spectacle, and its liturgy is grievance repeated endlessly, unexamined and unrelieved. To belong to this cult is not to believe in anything beyond the negation of others: the “elites,” the “experts,” the “traitors,” the “others”—those perpetual abstractions upon whom every failure may be pinned, every fear projected.
Thus, the executive, himself a totem of grievance, is not admired in spite of his vices but because of them. His incoherence becomes a form of authenticity; his cruelty, a mark of strength; his ignorance, proof that he is unsullied by the corruption of thought. This is the logic of the mob, sanctified and enthroned. It does not seek truth, only validation; not justice, but vengeance. And from such poison grows not a polity, but a pack.
The Machinery of Power: Incompetents in High Places
Once, high office required at least the semblance of merit—a capacity for governance, a grasp of statecraft, or, at the very least, the discretion to defer to those who possessed it. No longer. The new qualification is loyalty alone: loyalty not to the Constitution, not to principle or country, but to personality. And not even to a consistent personality, but to a flickering candle in a tempest—unstable, moody, and perpetually affronted.
Thus have the halls of government been peopled with jesters, flatterers, and feckless opportunists. Ministers of the treasury who do not believe in numbers, secretaries of education who scorn learning, envoys who sabotage diplomacy, and legal advisors who treat the law as a nuisance to be outmaneuvered rather than a structure to be upheld. Their résumés are padded with failure, their careers propped up by sycophancy, their ambitions tethered not to public service but to personal advancement through proximity to power.
Yet their greatest failing is not simply what they do, but what they permit. Their very mediocrity becomes the shield behind which greater abuses are concealed. For while the citizenry scoffs at the spectacle—the press conference gaffes, the mangled grammar, the contradictions piled upon contradictions—policy proceeds maliciously, cruelly. Freed from oversight, insulated by noise, the machinery grinds on: protections undone, laws abandoned, rights weakened, government dismantled, alliances broken. The clown at the helm distracts the gaze, while the bureaucratic knife goes unnoticed beneath the velvet tablecloth.
And in this lies the genius of institutional vandalism: not to destroy with one mighty blow, but to dull the blade slowly—through mismanagement, attrition, and the silent resignation of the capable and the firing of tens of thousands. A thousand small indignities, each one tolerable, each one dismissed, until the edifice no longer stands, and we wonder not when it fell, but how we failed to notice.
The Counterfactual: What If the Tyrant Were Wise?
One is almost tempted to breathe a sigh of relief at the chaos, for chaos is its own limit. A despot who contradicts himself hourly, who governs by whim and forgets his decrees by dusk, is a tyrant only in name. He may wish to rule absolutely, but lacking consistency, foresight, or discipline, he becomes instead a figure of grotesque parody—dangerous, yes, but disarmed by his very incoherence. We may survive him not because of our strength, but because of his weakness.
But imagine, if you will, the inverse: a tyrant possessed of intellect, method, and clarity. One who governs not in the service of ego but of vision—however malignant. One who surrounds himself not with cowed incompetents, but with men and women of ruthless efficiency, cold logic, and administrative precision. This is the tyrant history has known best. It is not the fool who builds the gulag or writes the blacklists, but the functionary with a plan, the theorist with a chart, the orderly mind untroubled by conscience.
Had our moment produced such a figure, how much swifter the erosion of liberty would have been! How much more subtle the theft of rights, how much more durable the machinery of oppression! The republic might not have looked so disordered—it might have seemed vigorous, decisive, strangely efficient. But beneath the appearance of control, the soul of the nation would have already been extinguished, its people transformed not into rebels or resisters, but into docile instruments of the state’s will.
The question, then, is no longer whether we are fortunate in our calamity, but whether we understand its nature. For fools can be replaced. But should a day come when their successors wear the same mask but wield it with purpose—then the hour will be far darker, and the laughter that once served as shield will curdle into silence.
The Theatre of the Absurd: Democracy as Entertainment
If the republic falters from within, it is not only because of those who hold the levers of power, but because of those who have come to see governance not as a civic duty, but as a form of entertainment. The forum has become a stage, the statesman a performer, and the electorate an audience demanding sensation. Nuance bores, compromise offends, and truth is a distant, flickering ghost—unwelcome and unprofitable.
In such a theatre, absurdity is not a bug but a feature. Every gaffe becomes a meme, every outrage a headline, every policy a subplot in an endless narrative of grievance and spectacle. The media, desperate to retain its vanishing grip on attention, ceases to inform and instead curates the drama—cutting, splicing, amplifying. The body politic is no longer a deliberative citizenry but a viewership conditioned to react, not to reason.
And what is the role of the elected official in this new dramaturgy? Not to lead, but to brand. Not to govern, but to trend. They issue not laws, but slogans. They trade not in facts, but in feels. Even their failures become assets, for in the logic of the spectacle, visibility is power, and infamy sells just as well as virtue—often better.
Worse still, even those who know the performance is a fraud feel trapped within it. To disengage is to surrender the stage to the most unscrupulous actors; to engage is to be complicit in a system that rewards noise over thought, allegiance over principle. This is the final genius of the absurd republic: to create a politics where participation itself feels degrading, and yet absence feels dangerous.
Thus the state becomes not a polity of free and deliberative people, but a spectacle of exhaustion. We scroll, we jeer, we despair. But rarely—too rarely—do we act.
The Fragility of Memory: When History No Longer Speaks
No tyranny begins as tyranny. It begins in the forgetting. A forgetting not only of facts or dates, but of the moral weight of precedent, the slow accumulation of civic wisdom, the lessons written in blood and ink by those who came before. When memory is intact, it serves as conscience; when eroded, it becomes convenience. We do not recognize the fall because we no longer remember what it was to stand.
Once, a statesman would rise in the chamber and quote Pericles or Lincoln, Cicero or Solon—not merely to adorn his speech but to anchor it in tradition, to draw from the well of republican virtue. Now, even such allusion is dismissed as elitist pedantry. The past is regarded not as a guide but as a burden, and history is reduced to a buffet of misremembered grievances, curated to flatter the resentful and indict the dead.
In this vacuum, lies grow bold. Fictions parade as fact, myths usurp monuments, and the record of what was is rewritten by those who benefit from what is. The archives decay; the historians, sidelined or silenced, speak to a shrinking audience. Memory becomes tribal, curated by algorithm and sentiment. The young no longer study the fragility of freedom because it is no longer taught. The old recall its price, but their warnings are heard as the mutterings of a defeated past.
And what, then, remains? A citizenry adrift—cut loose from history’s moorings, vulnerable to every charlatan with a flag and a grievance. The republic, in such a state, is no longer endangered by enemies at the gates, but by the silence within. Not the silence of censorship, but the quieter, more dangerous silence of indifference. The silence that follows when memory no longer speaks and no one cares to ask what it once said.
Wreckage or Rebirth?
It is tempting, when surveying the present wreckage, to surrender to despair—to believe that the republic, having stumbled so absurdly into decline, can never be set aright. The pillars have cracked, the roof sags, and the foundation seems to shift beneath our feet. But wreckage, for all its tragedy, is not the same as ruin. What has been shattered can, in principle, be rebuilt. The question is whether the will endures, and whether the anger now rising can be forged into resolve rather than simply rage.
For there is anger—mounting, justified, and no longer concealed. It grows not within the cult, but outside it, among those who have watched with clenched jaws as the instruments of governance were handed to buffoons and cowards, as the executive strutted and raged, as the political class bowed and curtsied, mumbling excuses, averting eyes, trading principle for position. And it is not merely the executive that earns their ire, but the entire edifice of acquiescence—a legislature that mutters indignation but funds the farce all the same; a judiciary that, cloaked in solemnity, too often validates the very abuses it ought to constrain. These are not neutral bystanders. They are collaborators by convenience, guardians turned ushers to a constitutional catastrophe.
And so the citizen watches, furious and exhausted, as the republic’s very stewards conspire in its diminishment. Yet this fury, though dangerous if left to fester, may still be redemptive if rightly directed. The task is not to lament the collapse of a golden age that never was, but to resist the entrenchment of a cynical age that need not be. The republic will not be saved by the institutions that failed to defend it, nor by the party machines that greased its fall. If salvation comes, it will be through memory rekindled, virtue rediscovered, and courage reclaimed—not in grand gestures, but in the hard, slow work of rebuilding what was squandered.
We stand, then, not at the end, but at a crossroads between farce fulfilled and tragedy averted. The clowns will fall—their nature guarantees it. But what comes next will not be dictated by their collapse. It will be shaped by those who remain: the watchful, the angry, the resolute. The question is not whether the republic can rise again, but whether we still believe it is worth the rising.