Tag: seasonal meditation

Prologue

He does not come when called.

That is the first principle.

One may sit by the pond for hours in pious expectation, rehearsing questions, arranging thoughts as though preparing an audience. He will not come then. He is not a confessor, nor a tutor, nor a domesticated emblem of transformation.

He arrives only when he deigns.

The first time I noticed him—truly noticed him—he hovered at eye level, no more than a yard distant, as if measuring me. His body was a narrow rod of lapis lazuli, his wings vibrating so rapidly they seemed less like appendages and more like a trembling in the air itself.

He did not blink.

Dragonflies do not blink. Their eyes are already nearly all eye—vast compound hemispheres that see in directions the human skull was never designed to accommodate. I felt regarded from angles I did not possess.

“Ah,” I said, aloud and foolishly.

He moved neither closer nor farther. Suspended. Exact.

Then he departed—straight upward, without arc, as if gravity had briefly reconsidered its commitments.

The pond resumed its composure.

I

He hunts with an efficiency bordering on arrogance.

Mosquitoes vanish in his vicinity. He arrests midair, pivots without visible preparation, reverses direction as though inertia were advisory rather than binding. His wings move independently, a subtle asymmetry that produces impossible steadiness.

I watched him for weeks before admitting that I had begun to wait.

He kept no schedule.

Some afternoons he skimmed the surface in quick patrols. Other days he did not come at all. When he landed upon a reed, it was never the same reed twice.

No pattern was to be discerned.

His body caught light differently depending on angle—blue one moment, green the next, then nearly black. It was possible I had seen three different dragonflies and had, out of preference, consolidated them into one.

The pond did not clarify the matter.

Once, he settled on the sleeve of my coat. The weight was negligible; the steadiness was not. I could see the articulation of the thorax, the delicate architecture of the wings, the vast curvature of the eyes.

Only precision.

He departed without hesitation.

II

Before there were wings, there was silt.

The nymph does not glitter. It does not hover in sunlight. It does not arrest the eye of a passerby and cause him to pause mid-thought. It lives in suspension among weeds and sediment, armored, blunt, patient. Its color is the color of concealment.

It breathes through hidden gills. It moves by impulse, expelling water from its own body to lunge forward in short, decisive bursts. The hinged jaw—an apparatus both ingenious and faintly grotesque—extends and retracts with mechanical precision. It is not beautiful. It is efficient.

Years pass in this element.

Above, seasons turn with spectacle. Leaves flame and fall. Snow forms and recedes. Children shout and depart. The sky performs its elaborate variations. Beneath, the nymph waits.

It feeds. It molts. It grows by increments invisible to any watching eye.

There is no rehearsal of flight.

No hint of iridescence.

Only duration.

I had known such water.

Not mud in any literal sense, but rooms where light was steady and unremarkable. Shelves heavy with volumes that few opened. Papers drafted and redrafted with care disproportionate to their audience. Sentences weighed not for applause but for consequence.

Most of my adult life had been spent parsing language that determined outcomes. Words examined for fissures. Clauses tightened against ambiguity. Arguments constructed to withstand scrutiny, though scrutiny rarely arrived with drama. It was a discipline of precision rather than spectacle.

Years accumulated.

There were no headlines. No sudden recognitions. No visible ascent. Only the quiet refinement of judgment, the slow correction of error, the recognition—hard-won—that certainty often masks impatience.

At the time, I did not think of it as formation.

It felt, more often than not, like sediment.

I read when others preferred summary. I annotated when others skimmed. I held to arguments unfashionable but internally coherent. I resisted certain enthusiasms not from contrarian instinct but from suspicion of haste.

None of this made me luminous.

The pond’s surface remained undisturbed.

I sometimes wondered whether I had mistaken depth for obscurity. Whether the refusal of spectacle was discipline or merely temperament. Whether the years were accumulating meaning or merely accumulating.

The nymph does not ask these questions.

It consumes what passes within reach. It survives. It grows until its exoskeleton tightens against further expansion. Then it splits and sheds, leaving behind the evidence of enlargement.

I, too, had shed skins. Positions once held firmly, later abandoned without ceremony. Assumptions relinquished not in crisis but in attrition. Convictions refined by encounter with stubborn fact.

But the shedding was not dramatic.

No one marked the reed.

The husks fell unnoticed.

If there was preparation, it was not for display. If there was transformation, it was gradual enough to escape detection. The years beneath the surface did not whisper of eventual flight. They whispered only of continuation.

When I first learned that a dragonfly might live two or three years submerged and only weeks in the air, I resisted the symmetry. It felt too convenient. Too consoling.

Was I to believe that duration beneath the surface is always apprenticeship? That obscurity is inherently preparatory? That waiting is purposeful?

The pond did not confirm it.

The nymph hunts because it must. It waits because there is no alternative. It grows because growth is the consequence of survival, not of design.

It does not know the sky.

Perhaps that is the truest thing.

I had not known the sky either. Not in any luminous sense. There had been no moment of sudden iridescence, no public ascent, no season in which I hovered brilliantly over the surface of things.

And yet, I remained.

The nymph remains.

Years pass in water that reflects nothing of what is forming below.

One evening, after watching the dragonfly depart without landing, I walked the perimeter of the pond and found an empty shell clinging to a reed. The thorax split cleanly along the seam. The legs fixed in their final grip. The mask of the face intact but hollow.

It was lighter than I expected.

I held it between thumb and forefinger and felt the frailty of what had once been armored.

No sentiment accompanied the discovery.

Only recognition.

The shell crumbled in my hand.

The pond held its surface.

And somewhere below, another nymph waited, unaware of any sky.

III

The next afternoon, I brought a camera.

He appeared almost immediately.

He hovered above the shallows, then settled upon a low branch. I adjusted the lens. The viewfinder reduced him to framing—wings, thorax, angle, depth.

The shutter clicked.

He lifted.

The image, when examined later, was competent. The wings caught mid-beat. The eyes sharp. The background softened into abstraction.

He looked contained.

The following days passed without visitation.

The pond remained.

Wind disturbed the surface. A heron stood in the shallows. Insects moved in small, unnoticed arcs.

The camera remained on the desk.

Waiting resumed without apparatus.

IV

He had not come in eleven days.

I counted without meaning to. The mind, deprived of its irregular visitation, begins to mark absence the way it once marked presence.

The pond continued without him.

Mornings arrived grey and then brightened. The reeds thickened toward autumn. A skin of algae moved slowly across the northern shallows, indifferent to season or witness.

I read. I worked. The kettle was filled and emptied and filled again.

On the eleventh night I dreamt of forests.

Not forests I had seen. Not the managed woodlands of memory, thinned by path and signage, explained by a placard at the trail’s edge. These were older. The air was thick and warm and carried a weight that modern air has forgotten. Ferns rose to the height of buildings. Moss covered everything with the patience of something that had never known urgency.

The light was greenish. Diffuse.

They moved through it slowly.

Enormous. Wings like pale membranes stretched across frameworks of impossible delicacy. Wingspans wider than my arms extended. Bodies long as my forearm, hovering without effort in air that seemed designed to receive them.

There were many.

I stood among the ferns and was not frightened.

One descended to my level.

It regarded me with eyes that were almost entirely eye.

It said:

“We were here before your certainties.”

Nothing more.

I did not respond.

It ascended without haste.

The forest continued.

I woke before dawn. The room was dark and familiar. The books on their shelves. The papers where I had left them.

I made tea.

The dream did not feel symbolic. It felt geological — the way certain facts settle past argument into simple weight. Three hundred million years. Before birds. Before flowers. Before anything that called itself a thought had moved through any skull.

They had flown through all of it.

I drank the tea at the window.

The pond was dark, the reeds motionless.

I did not write the dream down.

Some things are diminished by record.

He did not appear that day.

Nor the next.

The dream did not repeat.

V

He returned on the fifteenth day.

The color was less decisive. The lapis lazuli had dulled toward iron. The wings, when he settled, did not lie as cleanly along the body. One bore a slight tear near the margin, visible when the light struck it.

He lifted, hovered, adjusted, then settled again.

The motion was precise.

The pond had begun its turn toward autumn. Insects were fewer. The evenings cooled without declaration.

He hunted as before.

If there was diminishment, it was not in capacity but in surface.

He remained longer than usual.

The sun moved. The light changed temperature.

He lifted without ceremony and crossed the pond once, low, then rose beyond the far bank and vanished into trees I could not see through.

Fear, when unexamined, seeks climax. It wants a marked ending — a final landing that can be named as such. The pond offers no such assurances.

The absence was not dramatic.

It was seasonal.

VI

The mornings arrived colder.

Mist held briefly above the water before lifting without trace. The reeds stood rigid at their bases. The algae withdrew and thinned.

There were fewer insects now.

No blue crossed the line between reeds.

The branch where he had once settled bore no mark of preference.

The pond clarified as the season advanced. Stones along the bottom became visible. A fallen limb half-buried in silt. The slow movement of something unseen slipping between shadows.

Nothing announced absence.

It settled.

One morning the surface lay entirely still.

The water reflected the sky without distortion.

The light moved across it without instruction.

A thin skin formed at the northern edge and broke before noon.

The reeds inclined slightly in wind too distant to be felt on shore.

No visitation followed.

No summation arrived.

The pond continued.

The surface held.

And beneath it, something moved—unaware of any sky.

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